I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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