Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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