10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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