twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
