If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
