It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
