Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
