honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
