My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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