Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
