My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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