I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
