It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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