i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
