hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
