During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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