my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
