you win again, gameday.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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