Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
