if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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