dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
