everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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