Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
