god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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