did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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