so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
