Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
