I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
