Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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