I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
