Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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