yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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