I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
