Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
