I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
