i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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