none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
