It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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