Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
