You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
