What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
