I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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