see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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