They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That accounts for only three of the penises
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
