There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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