You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
