Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Your penis caused this!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
