Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
