I am puke
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
