Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
