I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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