I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
